Like a bull in a china shop

My husband is a patient man, which is good, because I'm not.  You see, I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants sort of gal.  When I'm ready to cut my hair, I want it cut now.  When we need a grocery item later in the week, I want to go grab it now.  When we rent a movie, I want to watch it now. When something needs to be done, even if it can wait, I want to do it now. At times, this approach works, but most of the time, it's in the wrong spirit.

Sometimes, instead of just trusting my husband's leadership, I press ahead.  And, I confess, this has been my struggle lately.  We are in a position right now where there are a lot of questions, and I want the answers now! While I may stand by waiting, I'm also impatiently tapping my foot in discontent!

Often, it comes from a good place- I want to see God glorified, but I want it done my way or on my time frame. Right now I'm really struggling because I see we are at a crossroad where many decisions need to be made.  As I told my brother, "I know I need to step back and allow my husband to steer, but it's hard!" 

I often feel as if I'm saying, "Jesus take the wheel," but refusing to remove my own hands from the helm.

My soul feels a bit restless.  For the last couple years, we have not had a church to really call our own, and God has made it clear the churches we have attended have been "for a time".  This is difficult, because it's hard to get to know people and become as family, only to be uprooted later (for whatever reason).  This is often a painful process.  When we moved from Louisiana to Texas, I really missed my wonderful church family there in Moss Bluff.  I felt we had been incredibly spoiled to attend such a loving, bold church. That feeling was magnified when we set about searching for a church in our current location.  After visiting a dozen churches, I felt ready to give up. He has given us opportunity to learn and grow in churches for a period of time here and there, and I am most thankful for those lessons and the growth that resulted, but He has yet to give us a place to settle. I often feel like we're wandering, and even worse, I feel like one of those families who plays "musical chairs" with churches. And, of course, with every one I attend, I wonder, "Is this it? Will this be where God plants us?"  (It's very discouraging to search for a church- we found so many preaching "another gospel, another Jesus, another spirit" and having a "form of godliness, but denying its power".)

So often, I want to stamp my foot down and throw a little fit. I cannot yet see the purpose, but I trust there is one. Sometimes (heh, okay, most of the time), I feel like taking the reigns, forgetting (or choosing to ignore) that God has put a wonderful, godly man over me to lead our family.  I need to trust that God will give my husband the wisdom he seeks.  I am encouraged to see my husband bowed before the Lord in prayer, submitting his life to God's will and searching through God's Word for direction. I know my Father in Heaven will honor my husband's request for wisdom and guidance. I just need to step back, and allow my husband to lead.

This is something God has really been laying on my heart. It's easy for me to say, "But God! Aren't I submissive enough? Can't I just have a little control?"  He is showing me through my marriage that, not only do I hold back some of my submission from my husband, but I also do not submit my all to Christ either.

I can't say, "All to Jesus I surrender," if I'm still clinging to even a morsel of my life.

And, when I think about it, when I try to control things, it doesn't turn out well.  I'm like a bull in a china shop!  This is why God has given me a patient man who thinks upon things and prays upon things for a time before he acts!  I love how God not only uses my marriage to teach me more about Him, but He has chosen a mate for me that balances me out so well.